They make it look so easy

How do all the woman out there do it?

I have to say being pregnant has been the coolest thing in my life up to this point, something I am extremely grateful for. However I feel like there was not enough heads up about how emotionally difficult it is.

Please do not get be wrong, I am in NO WAY complaining, as it really is incredible and I feel extremely blessed.

I have got to say though that I don't know how many more nights I can handle waking up in extreme fear and worry for our lil one. While being pregnant is the greatest thing I have experienced it is the scariest thing I have ever been through.

• I remember thinking having my brother Matt leave on his mission was the hardest thing ever.
• Then it was when Jeremy left on his mission, I would stay up at night and just bawl in my bed.
• Then my parents left on their mission to Africa where they experienced a civil war and some of the craziest, uncertain situations ever.
• I then remember applying for graduate school and being so anxious about not getting in I felt at times I couldn't breathe.
• Then it was the decision to move to CA for Aaron to go to school where we up and left our home and our friends and family, everything we had established ourselves on since being married.
• Then came the time when we wanted to start a family and couldn't and we felt discouraged and started to process the possibility of not being able to have children.

Now here we are and we are pregnant and I have to say it is freaking scary. I have never felt more vulnerable in my life. Not just vulnerable as it relates to our lil one but also Aaron and my family. I worry more about Aaron when he is traveling for work and I worry and pray all the time for the safety of my family. Here we are so close to what we have wanted for so long and I feel like at any moment my life could just crumble.

Last night was one of those nights where I could not sleep (not really a new thing) and I woke up to feeling our baby going nutso in my belly. Something I really and truly love. However I have been having crazy intense pelvic pain over the last couple weeks which results in my feeling as if I can't even stand up (broke my tailbone and messed up my pelvic area pretty good when I was 14 and I am repaying for it now). So here I am just uncomfortable, deprived of sleep and left alone with my worries. Needless to say I totally became overcome with fear. Really and truly the way I think Satan shows up in my life. I am not tempted by other things or feel satan's power in my life except for when he shows up as FEAR. I should know better, my mom always has taught me that any prompting or feeling from our Heavenly Father would not present as FEAR, yet in the moment at 2:30 a.m. last night I just couldn't shake all my worries.

I woke Aaron up and thankfully he was there for me and completely helped to bring me back to comfort and security.

I am okay with discomfort, it is not the hard part for me at all while being pregnant. Sure I can't stand or walk at times cause I feel like I will buckle at my pelvis, yes throwing up is still an all too familiar occurence, gaining weight is not necessarily comfortable, but really I don't mind all that stuff plus all the others. I really don't. I celebrate the physical discomforts. However I gotta say the worry and vulnerability is the hardest for me.

Thanks for reading, that is if you made it this far, I just had to get it out there.